Answering Machine

From Rhyme & Reason and Poetry in Motion by Doris Daley


Press 1 for this; Press 2 for that. You can't call a business anymore and get a human being to answer. Here's what happens when the phone menu comes to the ranch.


Thank you for calling Hayseed Ranch. We'll be with you sooner or later. So please stay on the line for the next available operator. Your call is very important to us.

We have a digital recording contraption. Simply listen to the following menu and select the appropriate option:
For brown eggs, stock dog pups, a Farm King mower, Angora goats or Suffolk sheep, Just tell us what you've got to trade and make an offer after the beep.

If those frisky Charolais heifers have jumped the barbed wire boundary Enter their ear tag numbers now followed by the pound key.

Press 1 if you're selling insurance,
Press 2 if you're from the bank
Press 3 if you want to tune our piano or clean the septic tank.
Press 4 to deliver your yearlings.
Press 5 if you'll be here at dawn. If you want us to adopt a tiger, hug a tree, sponsor a wolf, save a whale, save Air Canada or save the Liberal Party.... Dial 1-800- DREAM ON.
Press 6 if you want to go hunting.
Press 7 if you want to buy hay.
Press 8 for help with high school rodeo or 4-H Achievement Day.
Press 9 if you'd like to keep holding, it shouldn't be much longer now. The grassfire is almost under control and so is the prolapsed cow.
Your call is very important to us and here's what we urge you to do: Just stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.

© Doris Daley